Another Babe

Last week I got the privilege of holding my meeting my brother's newly arrived daughter. I managed to pop down to see them by myself as taking my family can be very busy especially for a new baby.

 I checked and re check a number of times with my brother to see it it was ok? I had flash backs to an experience 2.5 years ago after the birth of my forth were we were visited by an individual who insisted that they have the right to come and visit even though it was a completely inappropriate time and dynamic for the family. Needless to say I have had to distanced myself (the first time ever)  from this person as their presence in my life is toxic and very hurtful. So with this in mind I wanted to visit without being the focus and ensured the mother, baby and father were comfortable with the visit.

As I entered the room I buzzed with joy. My brother and his partner were peacefully sitting chatting while their bundle lay sleeping. My love was instant. Not the same intensity as I had experienced at the births of my own children but certainly I felt the warm an aunty feels. I had felt this instinctual bond at the birth of their eldest daughter but with the physical distance I needed to fall in love from afar via still pictures, skype and phone calls.

Here and now I could inhale her newness, snuggle and hold her while her parents trusted me and were comfortable. I am so happy to be an aunty once again and consider the daughters of my brother as my children who I get to enjoy and give back to my brother and his partner- particularly when there is a messy nappy!

A Letter...

My heart pounds a letter from the primary school arrives. Did we get a place or have we missed out. My head spins. But I am releaved when I see there is the prep transition program inside. Wow my baby is going to start school. Although a milestone he is ready as are we. I wish I was going back to school. His new year is still based on play so no formal reading or writing, but instead school will foster a love for story and play. I did worry about this delayed reading and writing philosophy when I first encountered steiner education readings, but now having educated myself in the philosophy I feel very confident that it is a wonderful way to start a child's education. 

Names for those important people..........

I love the budding of language you witness with a toddler. Gracie is almost 2 and is talking in sentences and using the names of her siblings and cousin Sophie with various success;

Ambrose is AMEE with an occasional B slipped in. Gracie is particularly in love with Amby  and as they are playmates and needing to communicate is essential to the smooth transition of objects of interest.

Matilda is TILDY and this acquisition has been very very competitive (in the eyes of her sister). Matilda has been caught privately schooling her when no one is looking! Matilda had hoped to be the first name but as Mama and Tata sneaked typically into spot 1 &2 and BABA and DjaDja into 3&4 it was time to get this toddler to say a sibling name. Matilda could accept Ambrose would be said first but there was no leaving it to chance if the next name was Matilda or Felix- the race was on. persistence and competition has won out!

Felix is still yet to develop! A hard name for a toddler that even for Felix even took 3 years to say. Even without a name Gracie is able  to communicate very clearly her love excitement and admiration for the BIG BIG brother which is equality reciprocated!

Sophie is DODO. This is the most entertaining rendition for a name so far. After having recently spent four days away with her cousin who lavishes love attention and yet does not bid for parental resource at home. A cousin relationship is like all the best bits of a sibling relationship! Gracie will see pictures of Sophie on my phone or on the wall near the dining table and announce with gusto DODO!

Time to begin blogging again.....

Life is mad but I have decided to make an effort to start our family blogging again. A conversation with a great friend the other day reminded me it is ok to forget all sorts of things as a parent but so lovely to remember those moments too! So lets try!......

Family Update

The New Year has begun and we take an "easy" holiday period ito prepare for the busy year that 2015 is likely to be.

 Gracie has recently returned to creche after a months break and is a joy to her carers as she toddles confidently about the center and is very social to children and adults alike. She is also so very confident around water which has promped me to book her into swimming lessons. 

Ambrose has begun the kinder year at a steiner kinder and depending on his confidence he may be ther for 2015 and 2016 before heading to school. Ambrose is very independent but also incredibly sensitive and hense finding transisitons particularly around our work commitments challenging. When comfortable with his surroundings he is entirely at ease the idea of swim lessons is horrendous but upon starting he is a fish in water. 

Matilda has settled after a big 2014 year. She shared a lovely morning tea with her teacher at home which has given her a huge confidence in school boost and I must say we have some of the most dedicated teachers I have ever heard of! She will continue to swim, play viola, dance ballet and take part in scouts for 2015 as well as being a tremendous  big sister who is so patient and such a good "teacher".

Felix is dedicated to ballet as well as his music studies continuing with cello and adding piano to his "load". He is a pasionate student and guess what?????? He reads!! He now sets his clock to 5:30am so he can get an hour of two of his current novel Eragon. We had to ban him taking his book to scout camp recently as it was likely he would rea his book in preference to sleep;)

Michael has recently changed work and is finding it amazingly inspirational. He is also a dedecated scout leader, pens new songs for a number of "birthday" celebrations and will reach an age milestone for 2015. 

I am continuing to teach at an inspirational independant school and will be taking a VCE Chemistry class. This will be in balance with family, sport and hoping to write a book during the 2015 year.

As a family we head off to Bright for our annual camping trip and hope to ride fish and bond for the Australia Day weekend before school blasts off for 2015.....

Festive season disaster #1

"Mama I have made a huge mistake" Matilda sadly said and started to sob  

"Oh no what is it?! I asked trying to console her 

"Well...." she breaths deeply " i started to draw a donkey he was red and before I realised it he turned into a blue dragon." 

"Do you need new piece of paper?" I responded seriously without laughing out loud 

"Yes" she said with a small smile. We hug and head off to get a new piece of paper. 

These are moments when I know that being a parent is the best thing to do in this universe for me. I love you Tilda and your blue dragon dramas. 

Bonds

A long time between blogs. If I thought I was busy with three children I am not sure what the term for busy with four actually is. After a holiday away as a solo mum I am renewed and refreshed and in love with my children more than ever. I watched hours of free play and sibling bonds that I am thankful for every day. I have over the past year given birth at home, tandem fed a baby and toddler, started work helped my children forge independence including non adult commute to and from school on bike, bus and train, gone camping, rode bikes and gone on a date! I hope to continue much of this over the next year while getting fitter and getting a little more organized. I had never pictured a life with four children but now I have four I can imagine my life any other way. As "G" enters toddlerhood each of her siblings continue to bond with her and each other in such unique ways. "A" sees his older brother as a physical bouncing mate, elder sister as a second mother and you get sister as his baby who is rapidly becoming a challenge as she want what he has.  As we ready yourselves to celebrate "G" first birthday we reflect on the year that has past the joy our baby brings into our life. It is amazing how a baby bonds you with family and friends and we continue to enjoy sharing the parenting journey. I love watching her connect with her grandparents and uncle regularly and build a strong and extra parent type relationship. 

Balancing act

 My life is definitely attuned to that of a wave. Ups downs and flats. I want to spend quality time with each of children, be an amazing mother aunt daughter granddaughter and wife, get cracking professionally and there is this amazing list I dare not mention. It's wonderful, emotional, tiring like today after a low wave of work challenges all day my day became bright and high waved with the giggle from a baby, joke from my blond lovely, smile and chat with my big girl, bike ride with my big boy and lovely chats with my best friend. I am reminding myself lately of the challenging year we had last year and see on the horizon such amazing adventures to be had.

The little kids

Ambrose

Energy intensity go go. Ambrose is three years 3 months. This year he has adjusted well as a big brother, changed to kinder and toilet trained which such amazing fluidity. He does struggle accepting help from older siblings and when over tired bounces even harder and higher. Four weeks ago he started Steiner kinder only a week after toilet training. He wanted to go to the new kinder which required undies rather than nappies so that is just what he did! Ambrose continues to breastfeed here and there but his intensity about is slowly abating. He currently shares a room with Felix but has a parent with him at night when scared or worried. 

Gracie

Gracie is seven and a half months old. She has been crawling for the last week to ten days after a month or so of commando. She has also started to eat family foods for the last 8 weeks and now eats whatever is on offer. Gracie has adjusted so well to the hectic life of being the forth born and brings such happiness to us all. Her bond with each sibling is loving strong and so unique. She laughs for Felix, waits to be picked up by Tilda and watches Ambrose with strong intensity. Once a week her grandfather ares for her and there is such a lovely connection growing between them. She also attends crèche once a week when I work my second day. I am still popping home to feed her once a day which is a very special moment in my otherwise fast paced work day. 

10 weeks

Our 10 week old daughter is a delight to behold. Each of the family have bonded with her in our own unique way. Her eldest brother loves to hold her belly to belly in the quiet times. On the rare occasions she is upset he reassures her that it is all ok. Big sister mothers her and in confident to pick her up change her rock her and settle her, at times I wonder if I am needed at all. Big little brother kisses, talks, and wants to hold "baby". He still talks about her leaving my tummy with a "Jan" helping us at home. Tata admires, holds and plays Uke to her. I enjoy the quiet hours feeding her, smiling at one another and laughing at her open mouthed smiles and now giggles. It is like our baby who completes our family has been here forever and in her first months has helped to conclude a challenging year on a positive note. 

Gracie Arrives

My estimated dues date arrives and I am hopeful that I will launch into labour, but deep down in my heart I know it won't be that day. The preceding weeks are filled with night of broken sleep, crazy rants, mad cleaning and a touch of nerves. Part of me wants to hide away from the world while other parts of me want to get closer to people. I play the homebirth scene over in my mind thinking how the children will be there and my mum and my cousin. Too many people??  I feel confident that I will be labouring at home but flexible to follow the leadership of my midwifes.

I am surprised that I feel "in love' with my midwives in the final weeks of the pregnancy and feel so happy and connected every visit they make to me. I have a list of things to do and I decide on Thursday 17th October (40+5) I will get that list done. Thursday's are my Amby free day (and night) and on this occasion I mentioned to my parents-in-law that maybe Amby could come home tonight as I wanted him close by. I completed my list (toy library returns, lunch with Michael, photocopy and send documents for various things, library books back) collected the kids from school and settled into a normal Thursday night.

At midnight (18th October) I woke up unsettled and unable to get comfortable. I listened to music quietly in the dark sleeping next to my husband and children. I must have feel asleep but was woken at 4am with a contraction. Unlike the nights previous this was not simply gas or pressure from lying too long in one spot, and turned on and off rhythmically. I smiled. I was happy and wanted this sensation to stay. I lay for an hour before waking Michael to tell him we were going to have our baby. That hour was lovely as it was just me and the baby, in our dark quiet house getting ready for our day.

Michael got our space ready for birth, while I communicate with my mum, midwife and cousin. It was lovely to write the text "I'm having a baby today". Matilda woke up so early and must have know something was happening. She lay next to me on the couch and watched, listened and smiled. My cousin Anna arrive glowing with excitement and ready to record our final birth yet first homebirth.

 I wanted to walk and 6am is a lovely time to do it. Michael and I walked down by the creek and the walking intensified and  regulated the contractions. "Yes hello I want this" I would talk through my contractions. I leaned on Michael and practiced groaning deep into my body visualising my cervix opening.

Ambrose was awake when we returned and he and Michael made coffee got breakfast ready. Between contractions we talked laughed and spoke about names for the baby. I lay on the couch and contractions were mild and very irregular.

My midwife Kellly arrived (8:30am) equipped with the extra "stuff" hopefully not needed but alway good to have on hand. Ambrose told her to "go away" and used the Swiss ball to block her entrance. Kelly sweetly and calming agreed and waited. We eventually talked him into helping to put the birth pool linner into the pool. Felix woke up hearing Amby and laughed with such joy to hear I was in labour (and that he wasn't going to school). 

Kelly and I chatted and for the entire time 45mins I did not have a contraction. This made me worry I might pop in and out of labour but I was assured that this was very common and nothing to worry about. Kelly headed off and I resumed my irregular and mild contractions.

My mother arrived (10am) and was ready for action. She took the children to a local park to burn off their energy and excitement as we were assuming a long day and night and for the baby to arrive late Friday night or early Saturday morning.

I heard an unexpected knock on the door (10:45) after a contraction which had a bit of bite and casually answered the door. Kris, a midwife I had not meet, was popping in to introduce herself as she was my backup midwife if Jan or Kelly couldn't get there. Kris and I instantly hit it off and chatted like old friends. We parted assuming we might not see one another again.

For the next three hours my contractions were irregular but getting more painful. I would lean on the couch on the Swiss ball and on Michael. Deep and rhythmic moans helped me to channel my energy and distract my mind from the pain. Reassuring words for Michael were invaluable. I sent a message followed by a call to the midwives at 2pm as the contractions "were starting to hurt" and I should have my penicillin in the next few hours. But I was very happy to be we're I was and with just Michael as support for a while longer. 

The children were happy to play in the sunshine, visit the park , draw, cuddle guinea pigs, bid on eBay with Mum, visit the neighbours and periodically checked what I was doing. Ambrose would feedme, say sorry and pat my back I had a contraction when he was in the room. Felix would rub my back and Matilda would hold my hand and both would just watch, listen and smile.

My sister in law and niece arrived to have a play. I loved to see them and it felt wonderful they could casually be there.
Dinner plans were discussed and mum, Kasia and the children headed out to get "fish n chips". The best day according to Felix cause we get take away for dinner. 

4:30 We received a call from Kris to say she was on her way but stuck in awful traffic. At this point my contractions were spacing 3-5 minutes apart and really starting to bite. I wanted to get into water but irrationally worried that this might stop it all. 

A blurry half an hour (4:30-5)of intense contractions. I needed to stand and hold into Michael to ride the pain and closed my eyes and heading into a deep meditation between contractions. This state was continued until our baby was born. So much of what I said and did is from what my cousin and Michael recalled. 

At 5pm both Kris and Jelly arrived and upon hearing my contractions said my baby was coming. I told them it wasn't coming till midnight. My canular was inserted and a loading dose of penicillin injected. 

I became desperate to get comfortable and wanted the water.  The pool was filled with hot water. I stripped off my clothes and stepped into the pool at 5:30pm. The relief of pressure was incredible. I shut my eyes and deeply meditated thinking of nothing but the warmth and sensation of the water. I started to get worried the children would miss it all. Matilda had returned with Mum and dinner. The boys had gone to the park with Kasia. 

My transition started with me crying for my boys I was so worried they would miss the birth. Kelly asked Michael to call Kasia and ask her to bring Felix and Ambrise home as I was apparently stopping myself from pushing and becoming distressed about them not being there. 

Soon the boys returned. Michael and the children created a circle around me. I gazed lovingly into Ambrose's eyes "you need me?" Amby would nod reassuringly. I loved them all so much in those moments. 

At 6:10 I needed to push. It builds slowly and your control to stop it fades. At the next contractions I push, the waters pop and a head is out. I am asked to stop and wait but I need the body out the stretch is intense and I lull back into a quiet space and the next contraction our baby is passed through my legs underwater and I bring baby up into my chest at 6:15pm. 

I am suddenly aware of my surrounds with ten smiling faces standing around the birth pool and little hands touching the baby.  

We ask Matilda to see if its a girl or boy. She looks and quiet says almost in disbelief  " it's a girl" and the room is filled with laughter and bright smiles. 

Grace Alexandra is here with us all. 

40 weeks one last time....

A tough pregnancy come slowly to the end. I am assured that I have no more than 14 days to go. I am tired emotionally and physically. Our family has had a tough year but a joyous end will certainly make up for the struggle. I sit waiting for that first knowing contraction, worried I have forgotten what they will feel like! I have fallen in love with my midwifes who become like sisters thro this journey. I look forward to sharing this birth with my cousin who's own birth story via her mother educated me a young girl (12) how normal physiological birth is. When becoming pregnant the first time this knowledge allowed me to find the safe place where I could birth without unneeded intervention playing a role. On the eves of my final pregnancy I hope for my cousin, niece, daughter(s) and sons that this is a real option they can be aware of after being apart of my home birth.

Sick with worry

My baby lies asleep in the hospital cot. It is almost 4am and I sit next to his bed hoping praying wishing that it will be just a simple infection I rewind 12 hours ago when I arrived home and his vomiting began. I am dismissive of it and decide that it will just be a busy night( not wrong on that front) after a third vomit I have a bath, feed him breastmilk then lie in bed cuddling. He perks up and I decide to get dressed I pop him down to stand. He falls. I try again and down again. He tries himself it looks as if he is drunk my stomach sinks. I try to ignore and carry on with feeding myself while holding him with my inlaws assistance. I mutter that I might call someone as I am worried about him not walking. I scoff my food instinctively knowing that I would need the food for the night ahead.... So here I wait for answers my mind racing my body a tired. In the dark talking to god asking for a simple answer and to go home.

The final countdown

We are heading into the final weeks of my final pregnancy. I have three very excited children and a niece who is busting to meet her new cousin! This week we made a baby picture board. It consists of the children's favourite new born pictures of themselves, image of Michael and I as newborns. And a story board of ideas of what to expect. The older children (&maybe Mr2 yr old) will hopefully be apart of the birth if all is well. Building this picture board was a wonderful experience and allowed us to reflect and be joyous about this pregnancy, a rare commodity during this pregnancy! My niece has also been amazing at lifting my sprits. I see her once or twice every week and am meet with the warmest hug, belly kiss and questions of when is baby coming. I have been made to promise to let her know the moment the baby arrive so she (miss5) can visit and have a cuddle. Our interactions make me excited about our babies arrival every time. When where and how this baby enters earth side will be disclosed to us all soon. 

The last trimester

My Last trimester. The last baby shower. I have been calculating the number of minutes, hours, days, weeks and years I have been growing, feeding babies and been in labour all ready for my final baby shower! It is really shocking but yet satisfying to be reflecting on the decade past. I had a baby shower for my first baby and have decided to celebrate with the women close to me a final (my second) baby shower. I look forward to talking with other like minded women about life and its challenges. To be continued (post shower).......

hyperemesis gravidarum (HG)

So it has a name. Hyperemesis gravidarum (HG). But really it is a hidden reality. One week I am a high functioning person, ready to embark on full time study, work 1-2 days a week and coparent three young children. Five weeks later I have deferred Uni ( an extremely tough decision lots of tears and grief), lost all my baby weight from baby #3, feel happy to have put a load of washing on in a given day and spend 5-10mins a day with my children :(. I spoke to a close friend who had this to the point of hospitalization while I have managed to avoid hospital with twice weekly visits to my midwife.
After chemo anti nausea meds not working I felt desperate for it to all stop. I felt hopeful my bloodworks would highlight a problem: maybe my iron VitD or something was low and we could treat it. I laugh now at my bursting into tears as I told my bloods were exceptionally good. Everything was in the high range of normal.
As I am starting to have more bouts of no vomiting I can and do feel more positive. Cross fingers week 12 will bring relief and bring some normal into my life.

Support =acceptance and love

I have just survived a tough five weeks... Feeling constantly seasick and unable to keep down food this pregnancy is so unlike any of my previous pregnancies. I felt sorry for women inflicted with severe morning sickness but now having first hand experience I realize it is not simply just how your body feels but the scary part is how your brain reacts to the relentless illness. I am thankful today that I have such supportive people in my life. Without the lovely phone calls of congratulations and offers of support i would not have started to get through. This experience has highlighted the strong relationships I have with many family members and friends. I hate asking for help but so happy that I feel comfortable with people to ask and be answered with big open arms and complete understanding. So much is out of my control and I find myself feeling sad and withdraw but as I am reminded everyday as I hug my children this will not last forever and is all about life and living I hope for my wonderful husband, the children, our parents, my brother,  family and my close friends that I can repay for their kindness and support in the future and hope that this will all settle down in the coming weeks as the first trimester moves on.

Sing

If you asked me 12 months ago which of my children could sing I would instantly respond that only Felix could. While Matilda would belt out the words it was flat loud and hard to listen too. Give a child 12 months of prep with a musician as their teacher and a Steiner framework where children sing to transition and guess what...... they learn to sing. Matilda auditioned for the Australian Children Choir and will be singing next year so I am happy to say we are a singing home and household. !