Gracie Arrives

My estimated dues date arrives and I am hopeful that I will launch into labour, but deep down in my heart I know it won't be that day. The preceding weeks are filled with night of broken sleep, crazy rants, mad cleaning and a touch of nerves. Part of me wants to hide away from the world while other parts of me want to get closer to people. I play the homebirth scene over in my mind thinking how the children will be there and my mum and my cousin. Too many people??  I feel confident that I will be labouring at home but flexible to follow the leadership of my midwifes.

I am surprised that I feel "in love' with my midwives in the final weeks of the pregnancy and feel so happy and connected every visit they make to me. I have a list of things to do and I decide on Thursday 17th October (40+5) I will get that list done. Thursday's are my Amby free day (and night) and on this occasion I mentioned to my parents-in-law that maybe Amby could come home tonight as I wanted him close by. I completed my list (toy library returns, lunch with Michael, photocopy and send documents for various things, library books back) collected the kids from school and settled into a normal Thursday night.

At midnight (18th October) I woke up unsettled and unable to get comfortable. I listened to music quietly in the dark sleeping next to my husband and children. I must have feel asleep but was woken at 4am with a contraction. Unlike the nights previous this was not simply gas or pressure from lying too long in one spot, and turned on and off rhythmically. I smiled. I was happy and wanted this sensation to stay. I lay for an hour before waking Michael to tell him we were going to have our baby. That hour was lovely as it was just me and the baby, in our dark quiet house getting ready for our day.

Michael got our space ready for birth, while I communicate with my mum, midwife and cousin. It was lovely to write the text "I'm having a baby today". Matilda woke up so early and must have know something was happening. She lay next to me on the couch and watched, listened and smiled. My cousin Anna arrive glowing with excitement and ready to record our final birth yet first homebirth.

 I wanted to walk and 6am is a lovely time to do it. Michael and I walked down by the creek and the walking intensified and  regulated the contractions. "Yes hello I want this" I would talk through my contractions. I leaned on Michael and practiced groaning deep into my body visualising my cervix opening.

Ambrose was awake when we returned and he and Michael made coffee got breakfast ready. Between contractions we talked laughed and spoke about names for the baby. I lay on the couch and contractions were mild and very irregular.

My midwife Kellly arrived (8:30am) equipped with the extra "stuff" hopefully not needed but alway good to have on hand. Ambrose told her to "go away" and used the Swiss ball to block her entrance. Kelly sweetly and calming agreed and waited. We eventually talked him into helping to put the birth pool linner into the pool. Felix woke up hearing Amby and laughed with such joy to hear I was in labour (and that he wasn't going to school). 

Kelly and I chatted and for the entire time 45mins I did not have a contraction. This made me worry I might pop in and out of labour but I was assured that this was very common and nothing to worry about. Kelly headed off and I resumed my irregular and mild contractions.

My mother arrived (10am) and was ready for action. She took the children to a local park to burn off their energy and excitement as we were assuming a long day and night and for the baby to arrive late Friday night or early Saturday morning.

I heard an unexpected knock on the door (10:45) after a contraction which had a bit of bite and casually answered the door. Kris, a midwife I had not meet, was popping in to introduce herself as she was my backup midwife if Jan or Kelly couldn't get there. Kris and I instantly hit it off and chatted like old friends. We parted assuming we might not see one another again.

For the next three hours my contractions were irregular but getting more painful. I would lean on the couch on the Swiss ball and on Michael. Deep and rhythmic moans helped me to channel my energy and distract my mind from the pain. Reassuring words for Michael were invaluable. I sent a message followed by a call to the midwives at 2pm as the contractions "were starting to hurt" and I should have my penicillin in the next few hours. But I was very happy to be we're I was and with just Michael as support for a while longer. 

The children were happy to play in the sunshine, visit the park , draw, cuddle guinea pigs, bid on eBay with Mum, visit the neighbours and periodically checked what I was doing. Ambrose would feedme, say sorry and pat my back I had a contraction when he was in the room. Felix would rub my back and Matilda would hold my hand and both would just watch, listen and smile.

My sister in law and niece arrived to have a play. I loved to see them and it felt wonderful they could casually be there.
Dinner plans were discussed and mum, Kasia and the children headed out to get "fish n chips". The best day according to Felix cause we get take away for dinner. 

4:30 We received a call from Kris to say she was on her way but stuck in awful traffic. At this point my contractions were spacing 3-5 minutes apart and really starting to bite. I wanted to get into water but irrationally worried that this might stop it all. 

A blurry half an hour (4:30-5)of intense contractions. I needed to stand and hold into Michael to ride the pain and closed my eyes and heading into a deep meditation between contractions. This state was continued until our baby was born. So much of what I said and did is from what my cousin and Michael recalled. 

At 5pm both Kris and Jelly arrived and upon hearing my contractions said my baby was coming. I told them it wasn't coming till midnight. My canular was inserted and a loading dose of penicillin injected. 

I became desperate to get comfortable and wanted the water.  The pool was filled with hot water. I stripped off my clothes and stepped into the pool at 5:30pm. The relief of pressure was incredible. I shut my eyes and deeply meditated thinking of nothing but the warmth and sensation of the water. I started to get worried the children would miss it all. Matilda had returned with Mum and dinner. The boys had gone to the park with Kasia. 

My transition started with me crying for my boys I was so worried they would miss the birth. Kelly asked Michael to call Kasia and ask her to bring Felix and Ambrise home as I was apparently stopping myself from pushing and becoming distressed about them not being there. 

Soon the boys returned. Michael and the children created a circle around me. I gazed lovingly into Ambrose's eyes "you need me?" Amby would nod reassuringly. I loved them all so much in those moments. 

At 6:10 I needed to push. It builds slowly and your control to stop it fades. At the next contractions I push, the waters pop and a head is out. I am asked to stop and wait but I need the body out the stretch is intense and I lull back into a quiet space and the next contraction our baby is passed through my legs underwater and I bring baby up into my chest at 6:15pm. 

I am suddenly aware of my surrounds with ten smiling faces standing around the birth pool and little hands touching the baby.  

We ask Matilda to see if its a girl or boy. She looks and quiet says almost in disbelief  " it's a girl" and the room is filled with laughter and bright smiles. 

Grace Alexandra is here with us all. 

40 weeks one last time....

A tough pregnancy come slowly to the end. I am assured that I have no more than 14 days to go. I am tired emotionally and physically. Our family has had a tough year but a joyous end will certainly make up for the struggle. I sit waiting for that first knowing contraction, worried I have forgotten what they will feel like! I have fallen in love with my midwifes who become like sisters thro this journey. I look forward to sharing this birth with my cousin who's own birth story via her mother educated me a young girl (12) how normal physiological birth is. When becoming pregnant the first time this knowledge allowed me to find the safe place where I could birth without unneeded intervention playing a role. On the eves of my final pregnancy I hope for my cousin, niece, daughter(s) and sons that this is a real option they can be aware of after being apart of my home birth.

Sick with worry

My baby lies asleep in the hospital cot. It is almost 4am and I sit next to his bed hoping praying wishing that it will be just a simple infection I rewind 12 hours ago when I arrived home and his vomiting began. I am dismissive of it and decide that it will just be a busy night( not wrong on that front) after a third vomit I have a bath, feed him breastmilk then lie in bed cuddling. He perks up and I decide to get dressed I pop him down to stand. He falls. I try again and down again. He tries himself it looks as if he is drunk my stomach sinks. I try to ignore and carry on with feeding myself while holding him with my inlaws assistance. I mutter that I might call someone as I am worried about him not walking. I scoff my food instinctively knowing that I would need the food for the night ahead.... So here I wait for answers my mind racing my body a tired. In the dark talking to god asking for a simple answer and to go home.

The final countdown

We are heading into the final weeks of my final pregnancy. I have three very excited children and a niece who is busting to meet her new cousin! This week we made a baby picture board. It consists of the children's favourite new born pictures of themselves, image of Michael and I as newborns. And a story board of ideas of what to expect. The older children (&maybe Mr2 yr old) will hopefully be apart of the birth if all is well. Building this picture board was a wonderful experience and allowed us to reflect and be joyous about this pregnancy, a rare commodity during this pregnancy! My niece has also been amazing at lifting my sprits. I see her once or twice every week and am meet with the warmest hug, belly kiss and questions of when is baby coming. I have been made to promise to let her know the moment the baby arrive so she (miss5) can visit and have a cuddle. Our interactions make me excited about our babies arrival every time. When where and how this baby enters earth side will be disclosed to us all soon. 

The last trimester

My Last trimester. The last baby shower. I have been calculating the number of minutes, hours, days, weeks and years I have been growing, feeding babies and been in labour all ready for my final baby shower! It is really shocking but yet satisfying to be reflecting on the decade past. I had a baby shower for my first baby and have decided to celebrate with the women close to me a final (my second) baby shower. I look forward to talking with other like minded women about life and its challenges. To be continued (post shower).......

hyperemesis gravidarum (HG)

So it has a name. Hyperemesis gravidarum (HG). But really it is a hidden reality. One week I am a high functioning person, ready to embark on full time study, work 1-2 days a week and coparent three young children. Five weeks later I have deferred Uni ( an extremely tough decision lots of tears and grief), lost all my baby weight from baby #3, feel happy to have put a load of washing on in a given day and spend 5-10mins a day with my children :(. I spoke to a close friend who had this to the point of hospitalization while I have managed to avoid hospital with twice weekly visits to my midwife.
After chemo anti nausea meds not working I felt desperate for it to all stop. I felt hopeful my bloodworks would highlight a problem: maybe my iron VitD or something was low and we could treat it. I laugh now at my bursting into tears as I told my bloods were exceptionally good. Everything was in the high range of normal.
As I am starting to have more bouts of no vomiting I can and do feel more positive. Cross fingers week 12 will bring relief and bring some normal into my life.

Support =acceptance and love

I have just survived a tough five weeks... Feeling constantly seasick and unable to keep down food this pregnancy is so unlike any of my previous pregnancies. I felt sorry for women inflicted with severe morning sickness but now having first hand experience I realize it is not simply just how your body feels but the scary part is how your brain reacts to the relentless illness. I am thankful today that I have such supportive people in my life. Without the lovely phone calls of congratulations and offers of support i would not have started to get through. This experience has highlighted the strong relationships I have with many family members and friends. I hate asking for help but so happy that I feel comfortable with people to ask and be answered with big open arms and complete understanding. So much is out of my control and I find myself feeling sad and withdraw but as I am reminded everyday as I hug my children this will not last forever and is all about life and living I hope for my wonderful husband, the children, our parents, my brother,  family and my close friends that I can repay for their kindness and support in the future and hope that this will all settle down in the coming weeks as the first trimester moves on.