Sick with worry

My baby lies asleep in the hospital cot. It is almost 4am and I sit next to his bed hoping praying wishing that it will be just a simple infection I rewind 12 hours ago when I arrived home and his vomiting began. I am dismissive of it and decide that it will just be a busy night( not wrong on that front) after a third vomit I have a bath, feed him breastmilk then lie in bed cuddling. He perks up and I decide to get dressed I pop him down to stand. He falls. I try again and down again. He tries himself it looks as if he is drunk my stomach sinks. I try to ignore and carry on with feeding myself while holding him with my inlaws assistance. I mutter that I might call someone as I am worried about him not walking. I scoff my food instinctively knowing that I would need the food for the night ahead.... So here I wait for answers my mind racing my body a tired. In the dark talking to god asking for a simple answer and to go home.

The final countdown

We are heading into the final weeks of my final pregnancy. I have three very excited children and a niece who is busting to meet her new cousin! This week we made a baby picture board. It consists of the children's favourite new born pictures of themselves, image of Michael and I as newborns. And a story board of ideas of what to expect. The older children (&maybe Mr2 yr old) will hopefully be apart of the birth if all is well. Building this picture board was a wonderful experience and allowed us to reflect and be joyous about this pregnancy, a rare commodity during this pregnancy! My niece has also been amazing at lifting my sprits. I see her once or twice every week and am meet with the warmest hug, belly kiss and questions of when is baby coming. I have been made to promise to let her know the moment the baby arrive so she (miss5) can visit and have a cuddle. Our interactions make me excited about our babies arrival every time. When where and how this baby enters earth side will be disclosed to us all soon. 

The last trimester

My Last trimester. The last baby shower. I have been calculating the number of minutes, hours, days, weeks and years I have been growing, feeding babies and been in labour all ready for my final baby shower! It is really shocking but yet satisfying to be reflecting on the decade past. I had a baby shower for my first baby and have decided to celebrate with the women close to me a final (my second) baby shower. I look forward to talking with other like minded women about life and its challenges. To be continued (post shower).......

hyperemesis gravidarum (HG)

So it has a name. Hyperemesis gravidarum (HG). But really it is a hidden reality. One week I am a high functioning person, ready to embark on full time study, work 1-2 days a week and coparent three young children. Five weeks later I have deferred Uni ( an extremely tough decision lots of tears and grief), lost all my baby weight from baby #3, feel happy to have put a load of washing on in a given day and spend 5-10mins a day with my children :(. I spoke to a close friend who had this to the point of hospitalization while I have managed to avoid hospital with twice weekly visits to my midwife.
After chemo anti nausea meds not working I felt desperate for it to all stop. I felt hopeful my bloodworks would highlight a problem: maybe my iron VitD or something was low and we could treat it. I laugh now at my bursting into tears as I told my bloods were exceptionally good. Everything was in the high range of normal.
As I am starting to have more bouts of no vomiting I can and do feel more positive. Cross fingers week 12 will bring relief and bring some normal into my life.

Support =acceptance and love

I have just survived a tough five weeks... Feeling constantly seasick and unable to keep down food this pregnancy is so unlike any of my previous pregnancies. I felt sorry for women inflicted with severe morning sickness but now having first hand experience I realize it is not simply just how your body feels but the scary part is how your brain reacts to the relentless illness. I am thankful today that I have such supportive people in my life. Without the lovely phone calls of congratulations and offers of support i would not have started to get through. This experience has highlighted the strong relationships I have with many family members and friends. I hate asking for help but so happy that I feel comfortable with people to ask and be answered with big open arms and complete understanding. So much is out of my control and I find myself feeling sad and withdraw but as I am reminded everyday as I hug my children this will not last forever and is all about life and living I hope for my wonderful husband, the children, our parents, my brother,  family and my close friends that I can repay for their kindness and support in the future and hope that this will all settle down in the coming weeks as the first trimester moves on.

Sing

If you asked me 12 months ago which of my children could sing I would instantly respond that only Felix could. While Matilda would belt out the words it was flat loud and hard to listen too. Give a child 12 months of prep with a musician as their teacher and a Steiner framework where children sing to transition and guess what...... they learn to sing. Matilda auditioned for the Australian Children Choir and will be singing next year so I am happy to say we are a singing home and household. !

20 months, 6 and 8 Years

2012 is a dynamic year of change fir the Milander household. Ambrose has battled through the winter of toddlerhood with perpetual illness but seems to be emerging with a strong sense of self and determination (mother political term for strong willed and self centered) which is perfectly acceptable for a 2 yr old. Matilda has bloomed at school and has found a rhythm and home in her school group . We have been blessed to have a teacher of 30 plus years of teaching and a firm but warm practice to take Tilda for the next 5 years. I no longer worry about her place at school knowing that she will be understood respected nurtured challenged excited by primary school. She has found an assertion where she no longer feels she is little and that she can choose if a person is worthy of her friendship if they do show her respect or care where due, where previously she would feel sad or bad about herself if someone told her she was too young to play a game etc.
Felix loves school, loves friends, loves people, loves his teacher, loves art, inventing, story, acting, singing. He seems to love life which is a joy for everyone who shares time with him. His greatest companion is Matilda and they will spend hours drawing playing creating together. A sense of playfulness is ripe when he interacts with Ambrose. 8 and 2 year olds can wrestle! Michael is our families rock. We all benefit from living with a man who works in his dream job and this has inspired me to follow my dream and to retrain as a landscape architect.

2012 has been a busy year, a year if change, challenge, soul searching, relationship remodeling and growth. With five people there is a constant need to stop and check we are all having those emotional tanks filled and time for one another as well for the family friends and community that support, inspire and guide us